I tell myself that I don't love you, but the truth is that I do. I do love you, and that's why I can't call. I'd be lying to myself by pretending that you're just a friend to me, even though you just want me to be a friend to you right now (?) I don't even know.

I'm not good at lying, not when it comes to real things — things that matter. If I keep lying to myself to convince myself of a falsity, I'll feel my soul being slowly drained of its energy. There was a lot of repressed anger in me for the longest time because I couldn't believe why you would do the things that you did — things that hurt me. Now looking back, I realise that I wasn't perfect either. Neither of us were. The distance seemed to be a catalyst for everything to implode every time we were apart.

I don't know where things will go moving forward, but I do know that I don't want to sit in this pit of negativity anymore. I want to be true to myself. If loving you is the truth, then so be it. If you not talking to me is the truth, then so be it. If me missing you is the truth, then so be it. I'm not going to try and reason away my feelings anymore. I can feel a huge weight being lifted off my chest as I'm typing this. I am finally going to accept the fact that I still love you, that you are important to me, and that I care.

How you feel about me is secondary — How I feel has to come first. I need to live honestly, in truth and in love. I will not cover up or hide my truth because it makes you uncomfortable, and I will not play pretend and in turn, make myself miserable. Your truth is yours, and my truth is mine. I cannot lie to myself anymore, nor to you, nor to anyone else. If you're reading this, I hope you find your truth, and I hope that you won't be afraid to live it. My heart feels so much lighter, I could almost cry right now.

Have I really been feeding my pain-body for the last few months? Every morning when I wake up, I'd feel my heart clench and all I wanted to do was fall back asleep again. Today feels different, and I hope that the more I get in touch with my true feelings, emotions and desires, the more I'll begin to feel like myself again. Maybe it's just the unconscious within all of us. Somehow, a part of me still believes that the person who hurt me isn't truly the person that you are. But other times, I don't really know. I wonder if you ever cared about me at all, and I wonder if the person that I knew was only the person I knew when I was with you (?) For all I know, you might've been living a double-life and I finally got to see your true colours when things went south.

I don't know, and I don't want to play these guessing games anymore. I want people around me who are true to me and honest with themselves. I don't want to live life in a constant state of doubt - questioning and suspicious. I want openness, honesty, love, compassion and integrity. Hopefully I'll find someone like this who exists in the world. I'm not going out to search for love, it will come when it comes. Whatever is meant to be, will be. I am not going to actively try and make someone love me. If they love me, they love me. If they don't, they don't. I don't believe in having to convince someone else that I am worthy of their love.

I know when people go on dates they always try to present the best version of themselves for the other party. I don't. Whenever I go on dates, I am completely myself. Most of the time, I am genuinely not even interested in the other person, so I don't really even think about how I am coming across. I have no expectations, so I can just be me. But I suppose people like that because there've been many incidences when said person admits their feelings to me and I have to reject them as gently as possible. Sometimes I think I'm too nice, and so they don't give up and I have to make my stand clear like a gagillion times before they get the hint. Usually, this is the point where I stop giving a s*** because it's been going on for way longer than I care to continue and by that point I'm just tired of laughing and smiling, and I just want them to stop talking to me and leave me alone.

I don't even know why I'm writing such a long blog post, but I just woke up and had to get the truth off of my chest. I can breathe easier now. I can love easier again. I feel like a much more authentic version of myself, and I feel compassion arising within me. When Jesus was on the cross, he said: "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." Many of us don't. We live life unconsciously, so wrapped up and trapped within our minds that our inner voice gets drowned out by the outside noise. I cannot live like that anymore. I want to find me. I want to still my heart, listen, and be guided by my inner voice again.